Monthly Archives: January 2012

Day 137

I didn’t mean to.

I mean,…it wasn’t an accident per say. But I didn’t mean to. Really.

Im drunk in public.

But I have nothing better to do. Besides its going to take over an hour to walk home, and I’m much more self entertaining this way.

For now Im in a library if that makes it any better.Its my new hot spot. I just came back from lunch with Lila. We went to the Chinese place. I didn’t feel like eating MSG today so I ordered a bottle of wine instead. Lila looked at me like, really? your really just going to drink a bottle for lunch. I didn’t see what the big deal was. It was a Tempranillo, and not the best, but easy enough to drink and 5 Euros. A free shot of whiskey came with the ‘meal’ and I don’t even drink whiskey.  The Chinese guy asked me if I wanted an alcoholic shot or a non alcoholic shot. What kind of question is that? The reply was an obvious one.

Besides after today’s classes I needed to drink heavily. The Spanish educational system really works me up sometimes. But seriously works me up. I left school today pissed. Without writing a novel let me just say that the children were taught nothing, nor encouraged in any sort of way to peruse any sort of higher educational achievements. I was asked my opinion on one occaion which resulted in nothing. It just angers me when potential is blatantly wasted.

We left the Chinese place and walked on the beach together and people watched. We indulged ourselves with some ice creams and commented on all the elderly people we observed. Its amazing to walk a full 30 mins and not see 1 person who could pass for under 50 years old. It doesn’t bother us. I mean it does, but it doesn’t. Lila made a funny comment about how the beach reminds her of Baywatch. I swear the things people say in reference to the states sometimes crack me up. Torrox in my opinion is nothing like baywatch. In anyway. Not even something as simple as the sand is the same. Ha. The thought of it made me laugh out loud for a good 3 minutes. Could have been the wine though.Maybe.

Talking to Lila makes me think of age, as something strange for me. In a way I welcome it,…and in a way I’m afraid of it. It makes me uncomfortable to think that someday I’ll have to face aches and pains. I see the way the old people look at me and it makes me uncomfortable, they look at me as if they are remembering what it was like when they were my age, like they envy me in a way…but in a way impossible for me to understand completely.

I just got a dirty look and a shhhhhhh for laughing too loud.

Nobody understands me today. Thats what it results in.

I think the hour and a half walk up the side of a mountain to get home might do me some good.

I don’t feel like going home yet, but the library closes soon. I might have something to look forward to soon though. I was walking home yesterday afternoon and I saw the same shaggy faced guy I see every now and a then on the bus. I met him once. It was at the plaza, during the festival of ‘las migas’ in Torrox. I was completely in a different state of mind at the time….I hadn’t been planning on going out but Lila called me last minute and I dragged myself out of the house.

Miguel is his name. He remembered my name, Esperanza….from one time over 2 months ago. I felt bad I hadn’t remembered his. I had remembered that he worked for the radio. He was one of the first people in Torrox I noticed. He looks under 40. That catches my attention. I can’t really guess his age though. He wears a shaggy beard, and a little extra weight. If I closed my eyes and listened to his voice I’d guess he was 60 from his gruff smokey voice. He has beautiful light eyes.

So I saw him. Sitting waiting at the bus stop. I wasn’t at all shy and just marched up and said hi. Luckly for me I was looking cute that day, and lucky for me he remembered who I was. I didn’t chit chat much with him but went straight to the point.

He works at the radio.

I want to volunteer at the radio.

I’d do anything.

I’d love to run and get them coffee. Clean their bathrooms. Translate things.


He sad he’d talk to a few people and get back to me, there might be an opening for me he said. And the fact that Im not looking for money is good he said. Thats ok. I understand everyone here is in crisis.

I think its a good sign that he remembers me and I’m hoping that will work in my advantage and maybe I’ll be spending some time in the radio station in the near future.

Fingers crossed.

Well speaking of present. I gotta run. I’m getting sick of people looking at me. Hasn’t anyone ever read a funny book before? Don’t they laugh and smile in Spain???


Day 134

The beginning has now become the end and I’m back to where I’ve started. But of course its the in-between that matters most and what I will take with me. And these things I take with me I keep them for myself. They stay in my mind as sweet caresses to my memory.

Just sat down for a 6 hour bus ride back to Malaga.

I really scored this trip with the buses. On the way to Madrid my travel companion was a little boy in 6th grade. He was tiny and quiet. I loved it. He was a little cutie and did his homework…working on Don Quixote  from what it looked like. Later on in the trip I was catching up on Democracy Now!  podcasts and offered him my MP3 player to use and he listened to Bachata the whole time. I listened to his small feet tap to the beat and without hearing the music I could imagine it.

I have a pretty good spot on this bus now and I’ll most likely be passing out soon.

Madrid went better than well and if I think about it too much I’ll get sentimental, especially while Al Green flows through my headphones.

I didn’t want to have any expectations for Madrid, sometimes I try too hard when I should just take things as they come and for the most part thats how it went and by doing so I had an exceptional time.

But now its back to Torrox. My home and where I belong for now. Im happy in a sweet sad way to return. I have things to focus on, projects, plans and goals. I’ll be taking it easy the next weeks most likely, I gotta watch my money…and so far I’ve only witness it slowly dwindle. I’ll need to save, as most likely I’ll be going to France next month. So I’ll need to learn some French.

Here’s what I got so far:

Hello. How are you. Oh la la. Cat. Black. Red. White. Green. Cheese. Monday. Wednesday. Sunday. I’m lost. I’m magnificent (although does that even count? can one really seriously say that about oneself out loud?). Please to meet you. I don’t understand. Shit. My name is Jessica. Yes. No. Will you sleep with me tonight ( everybody knows that one and it would be my guess French speakers get sick of the jokes people who don’t speak French make with that phrase) Why. Wine. 1 2 3 4 6 9 10 Thank you. Thank you very much. Chocolate.

Apparently I have a lot to work on.

Monday. I’ll start Monday. Ok. Tuesday at the latest.

Or just one day at a time. Maybe for somethings in life thats the best way to go.

I leave the plans and take it as it comes.

Day 133

Today the rain falls in Madrid.

Day 131

I’ve missed you, it’s been awhile! Sorry I’ve been quiet, you know I get like that sometimes but this time it wasn’t my fault.

The MAC had a little bit of a break down and left me without my music, movies, photos, internet, my SANITY….for a whole good week and a half. Its all better now, but let me tell you it was difficult. Oh not at first. At first I thought it was wonderful. I’m too plugged in anyways and I know it. Yeah it was great, I really felt like I didn’t need any of that technology stuff that it could be sort of romantic and simple to be in my little Spanish town. I thought of Walden pond and was encouraged by “Simplify, simplify, simplify!”

That lasted like 2 days.

Being without my computer (and consequently my Nikon) is like being on a horrible camping trip. There was no sleeping in or under the stars, no bonfires, no junk food, no board games, no skinning dipping, no Coronas, no acoustic guitars. And in what kind of camping trip do you still have to go to work and clean up after yourself?  It was just a lot of me. All the time. Just me. And my thoughts. And my noises. And my silences. All the time.

Ok, I’m being dramatic.

It wasn’t death, but it was still hard! At least it got better towards the end. Lila had figured out I didn’t have credit to call or text her, so she called me, and we went out for tapas one day, and then Manuel my older gay Spanish friend gave me a call too and we went out one night for tapas, chats and smokes. It was really nice to see him, its been awhile, he goes off to the campos to pick olives so he leaves for long periods at a time. Also that night he  gave me a hand carved pumpkin lamp he made. Its beautiful and one of the nicest gifts anyone’s given me. There are little holes poked into it to let the light shine through. The outside is dried pumpkin color….like a rusty earthy orange. Its nice in a natural way,…but I think I’d like to paint it. Perhaps the color of fresh strawberries in the month of June.

Right before I was able to get my computer back I was able to see another friend of mine, who came over to my house for a bit as well. It was nice having the company and a little more life around besides just me and the grandpas outside for a change. I think having company made me realize how alone I make myself sometimes, because it was almost just a little bit weird being around someone else at first. That feeling quickly went away though, almost right way actually because whatever that weird feeling was turned into  happy.

Its been a busy and eventful past month, with Portugal and this past week and what not, and in addition tomorrow I’m off to Madrid for a few days, leaving after school. I’m excited and looking forward to going, but I secretly feel a little tired, partially because I started to get sick a few days ago, but also I’ve done and seen and experienced so much in a relatively  short time my mind body and soul needs some time to soak, digest and process it all a bit. When I don’t do that I get tired.

I also get tired when its getting late and I have to wake up  early to pack my bag because heaven forbid I’d do it the night before. Which would be the case now.

I’ll write again soon. Most likely tomorrow if I can’t fall asleep on bus.

Its good to be back. I’ll see you again shortly.

Day 109 continued


A deep breath. A warm smile. A big hug. A cup of hot chocolate. A friend named Julio.

These things do wonders to someone who is feeling down.

Not to mention the virtual hugs and ‘hang in theres’! You guys are seriously the best. Thank you for being there for me. It means so much, it really does. Even on the bus to Sevilla I felt the good vibes reach me, working their magic.

I HAVE safely arrived in Sevilla.

As an update, I’m ok. Like I said I had my bus ticket already paid for and in my pocket to get to Spain, which was the important thing. In Spain I have a bank, and I have 80 Euros in my account, so if I go there tomorrow it will be enough to get me home and last me awhile,…plus I should be giving more English classes normally making 30 Euros extra a week. So that will be fine.

The pain is going to be getting a new US card issued, and I’m bummed about my drivers license. It had a nice picture, which is hard to get at the DMV, and I was hoping to rent a car in the near future. I don’t know if they take photo copies? Maybe. Its a minor issue in the long run.

Im very grateful for everyones support. When you travel by yourself sometimes small things seem bigger than what they really are. It does suck I was robbed, but it will be ok. And having a friend in Sevilla makes things possible. Julio will let me stay with him tonight and take care of me, and that feels really great to have someone who in reality I spent little time (couch surfing) with would do something so generous for me.

Its my plan to head back to Torrox tomorrow and take it easy. I think I would need that anyways. Portugal was great, but I miss my little pueblo.

Well I have to run,  good night. I send hugs and good vibes back to everyone too.



Day 109

This fucking sucks big time.

For starters Im in McDonalds.

I hate this place.

Especially when I’m traveling abroad. There is this blown up picture of a disgusting bacon wrap just glaring at me.

Thats not helping.

Secondly I think I’m getting my period. So I’m sad and angry MORE than what I would have already been.

Oh and Third I have no fucking money, house key, drivers license, school ID, US debit card, Spain debit card, OR my favorite green tea travel bags.

Somehow somewhere I got pick pocketed in Faro, Portgual on my way to Spain. Don’t know how it happened. Obviously. Or I would have kicked the ass of the person who did it.

THE GOOD. I have my MAC. My Cameras. Phone. NIE. Bus ticket to Sevilla which leaves soon…I gotta get going.

Im going to be fine. So nobody call and tell my mom and get her all worked up.

It just fucking blows.

I need to breathe and chill out for a sec.

I just wanted to steal Mc D’s free internet for a bit and vent and drop some F bombs.

I’m feeling better a little bit.

Well if anyone reads this please think of me and send me a good thought or vibe,…maybe a hug too? I could use it.